Every padel court in Britain has the same cast of characters. The faces change. The types do not.
The Early Arriver
Always on court fifteen minutes before everyone else, racket out, warm-up already done. Looks faintly disappointed that nobody else is ready to work on proper practice drills before the social session that was booked for fun.
The Gear Collector
Three rackets in the bag, two pairs of padel shoes, a thermal layer for the cooler months. Ask how their game is going and they will describe recent equipment purchases with genuine enthusiasm.
The Unsolicited Coach
Has been playing for eight months. Will tell you, mid-rally, what you should have done differently. Genuinely means well. Still, you would rather they did not.
The One Who Blames the Walls
Plays most shots fine. When something goes wrong, the court carries partial responsibility. "This court plays differently." All padel courts are 20 metres by 10 metres. They play the same.
The Reluctant Beginner
Was dragged along by a partner or a colleague. Slightly confused by the glass walls. Hits the first overhead clean and looks to everyone for approval. By week three, they have ordered a racket and joined the WhatsApp group.
The Rebounder
Will not come to the net. Is excellent from the back. Has developed an almost supernatural ability to retrieve anything off the glass and put it back deep. Will not be convinced that the net is where matches are won, because from where they stand, the results suggest otherwise.
The Motivator
"Come on!" after every point. "Let's go!" after a good rally. "No worries!" after a mistake. Brings real energy. Slightly exhausts everyone by the second set. The court is better for having them in it.
You will find all seven at almost any club in the country. You will also notice, if you are honest, that you recognise yourself somewhere in this list.
Padel Stuff makes t-shirts for people who love this sport and the arguments about court etiquette it produces.